feeling kind of old today

me at 18
(with my friend, also Whitney, whose birthday happens to be tomorrow)

Today is my birthday. I'm 28 years old, emphasis on the OLD. I don't know what year this happened for you, or maybe this hasn't happened for you yet (lucky you!), but this is the birthday that makes me feel...well, like I'm truly a real adult. I'm not 18 anymore, really I'm not. I may sometimes feel like I am, and then I see an actual 18 year old, and I instantly recognize that I am definitely not 18 anymore. The funny thing is, it's not being married, owning our own house, or having kids that has made it clear to me that I'm actually an adult. It's just this feeling that I have.

I notice my skin looking different, with more lines and less luster. I notice that first thing in the morning (even a beautiful, sunny fall morning like today), I still feel tired. And I want to add it's not the tiredness I used to feel when I had stayed up late with friends or studying for a test. It's bone-deep exhaustion that hangs over me like a thick fog. I notice the way actual 19 year olds look at me, in that dismissive way they tend to looks at older adults who have kids. And I feel it.

This birthday has me feeling a little bit dismayed. It's not necessarily that I'm worried about growing older. It's more that I regret not enjoying my young adulthood as much as I could have. I am so bad at truly living in the moment and being happy where I am, I'm always looking on to what's to come. And no time was this more true than during my early twenties. I was so focused on getting college out of the way so I could get married and have kids. I didn't take the time I should have to enjoy that time, and now it's gone.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love the stage I'm in now. But there's nothing like two young babies and a husband who works a lot to make it clear how different life is now. I still feel like it's a little unreal that I'm truly a mama to two kids, and I'm so in love with being their mama. I guess I'm just saying, man time goes by fast. Appreciate where you are in life and don't wish it away, once each day passes it's gone for good.

In addition to my little bout of melancholy this morning, I'm also feeling very thankful for so many things, including just the privilege to wake up today, safe and with plenty of food to eat. And I'm especially thankful that I get to spend my day with my two beautiful babies, who bring such immense joy to my life. I wouldn't trade anything, even going back in time for a day or two, for being their mama today.