big changes

Last night was...interesting to say the least.  Riggs has slept with us since he was about 3 months old (before that he slept in a cradle next to me) and I've really, really enjoyed it (really, I promise).  Starting at about seven months, we started putting him in the crib (which is in our room) at the beginning of the night to fall asleep in there, giving us a little space at the beginning of the night to get comfortable and have some *ahem* alone time.  It seemed to really work well at first, and he would stay asleep from about 7:30 to 11:30 and then sleep with us the rest of the night.

But in the last month I've noticed that Riggs hasn't been sleeping as soundly, waking earlier and earlier in the crib and then more often once he's in bed with us.  What seems odd is that he doesn't really want  to nurse but just sort of moans and whines and flails around.  Basically he just wakes Steve and I up but is actually fine and doesn't need any attention.  It's been getting worse and worse, to where I have been getting less than two hours of consecutive sleep each night.  And last night was just sort of the worst of it.  He went to sleep in the crib at 7:30 and then woke up at 9.  Ugh.  I put him back to sleep in the crib and he stayed in there, until about 10:30.  Then he fussed unless he was nursing, which would be fine except I couldn't sleep at all.  I just couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep.  As soon as I did, it seemed like he would stir again fussing and wanting to nurse.

I was sooo tired and finally fell asleep about 1am, and then at 1:45am (not even joking), Tutka started barking at a dog that was out in our yard.  Which woke me up completely, of course, and I couldn't get back to sleep for the life of me.  And just when I was nearly asleep, Riggs woke up and wanted to nurse.  I just can't really sleep very well unless I'm on my stomach or on my side with my legs curled up, which doesn't really work with Riggs there attached to my nipples all night(sorry if that's TMI lol).  So anyway, long story short, Riggs and I ended up on the air mattress in his room so that I could get a little space between us and not keep Steve awake.  I probably got about two hours of sleep the entire night.  It was pretty miserable.

I thought about it a lot during those late night/early morning hours (you know, when I should have been sleeping), and realized that I haven't been getting quality sleep for nearly three months, like at allllll.  Before, it wouldn't faze me at all and I would enjoy the moments, no matter how late or often they were.  And now?  It's just not enjoyable at all anymore.

I think for me the big change is due to the fact that he requires so much more attention during the day (with trying to kill himself and all, nearly every. single. minute.) that I just don't have as much to give of myself during the night.  I need that time now, more than ever, to recharge and be patient with him and really aware of his needs during the day.  It's exhausting trying to keep an eye on him at every moment while trying to keep up with my other responsibilities at home too.  I feel like if I look away for a second, I turn around and he has a cord in his mouth or is about to eat dog food (eww).  Even typing this I feel like a big whiner - I'm not saying it's the hardest thing ever in the whole wide world to watch a mobile infant.  But I am saying that for me, it's a pretty tiring way to spend each and everyday, and I realize now that I need to be getting at least four hours of sleep in a row at night to be at my best during the day.

And now that this is the longest post ever, I'll get to the point.  I moved all of Riggs stuff - his crib, changing table, and clothes hanging in our closet - over to his room today, and really got it all set up to be where he sleeps at night.  To some people, this might not be a big deal, but I'll admit, I shed a few tears during the process.  It's hard to imagine my little (big) baby (actually more toddler now) sleeping "all the way" across the house from me in his own bed.  Perhaps the saddest thing of all, is that I'm pretty sure he'll be sleeping much better now and that he just doesn't need his mama as much as I sometimes think he does.  He sure seemed happy playing in his room after I moved the rest of his stuff in there!

I moved everything as soon as Riggs woke up so that it would be ready for his morning nap.  And guess what?  For both his morning and afternoon nap, he put himself to sleep without even fussing a tiny bit, and took the best naps that he has in weeks.  I'm praying that is a sign of how night time will be, but I really have no idea how it will go...I think I'll be needing a lot of prayer that I don't miss him too much and go snatch him out of his bed!