Parenting is hard. It was hard with one child, and now that there are two, it's harder. I guess it's not just parenting that's harder, it's life. These babies I cherish so deeply take more time and love, which is less time and love I'm able to devote to being a wife and a friend and a person in general. It's takes time and love away from being me.
By the time I've given to everyone else for the day, I'm so drained that there's usually nothing left over for me. Yet I'm often still surprisingly content despite my fatigue, because giving to the three people that I love most dearly in the world is a huge part of being me. It feeds my soul in a way I never could have imagined.
In these last four weeks, there has been so much joy and love and awe. And yet nearly every day I've had moments where I hang my head and close my eyes and feel tears welling up behind my shut-tight eyelids. Deep breaths help, but opening my eyes to see my newborns red, screwed up face as she cries out in her need for me or in the confusion and concern in my two year olds bright, blue eyes as he watches the tears slide down my face makes me feel like I'm failing, just a little bit. And the truth is, every day I do fail a little bit. There's things I could do better and that will always be true.
I'm so glad that love is there to smooth things over and make things better. To give me the strength I need to try again tomorrow. To bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that nothing but abounding love could inspire. When I open my eyes and see those two faces happy and content because of love poured out of me onto them, I know that the love I gave of myself has returned to me tenfold. The hard moments are overshadowed so thoroughly by moments that fill me with happiness and I'm content.
"We dare be brave
And Suddenly we see
That love costs all we are
And will ever be.
Yet it is only love
Which sets us free."
Maya Angelou
You are doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteWhitney, this is profound. I had the roughest day with Ben today, and I can only imagine the feelings being amplified with two. If you don't mind, I'm going to link back to this post tomorrow! Hugs to you my friend. We are all in this together!
ReplyDeletethanks mama
ReplyDeleteOh Andrea thank you and I'm so sorry you had a rough day. Those days are the worst, and I feel like I've been living them over and over, like groundhog day or something! It is a small comfort to know that we all go through it...share away! xoxo
ReplyDeleteit is something we all deal with , the older they get, the easier it is to deal with
ReplyDeleteoops, sorry I hit submit to quick. I am your newest follower, I came over from after eleven
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love following you on Instagram! And second of all, we all have times where we feel like a failure and that's when I'm so thankful that we don't live by our feelings! So much easier to say vs. being in the moment! lol
ReplyDeleteSitting here with tears in my eyes because I SO feel you. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier when the little one is two and my older one is four. Currently we're at 1.5 and 3.5. It....is SO....hard. I feel like a failure everyday. I can tell through your blog that you have a big heart, so despite how you feel about failing, your little ones are very loved and they know it. You're an amazing mama and I'm always inspired by you when I come here :) But I'm right there with ya, it's hard and fulfilling all at the same time. I love that quote, I needed it, this past week has been rough. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteYou CARE and that's what makes you a good Mama. Don't let yourself stay in that guilty spot. Instead, start thinking about all those things that you ARE doing right. I've found that when I'm stuck in guilt, I just start living it over and over, instead of getting above it all.
ReplyDeleteBeing a stay at home mama is at least two full time jobs! It's a job that there's no 'quitting time' and no vacation. The days are long and sometimes the nights are longer. Adjusting to two kiddos is hard, but you will find a rhythm for your days, the three of you. The rhythm makes it more manageable...you all know what to expect and the general pattern of your tasks and such.
ReplyDeleteKeep on loving them, mama! It does get easier...you get better at it and they grow. New struggles emerge, but your toolbox grows as well. Hugs!
You are vulnerably beautiful. These words, your experiences, your honesty. Be gentle with yourself-- I think you're amazing.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know how you feel about giving and giving until you're so exhausted, but strangely content. And I've been there with the tears...sometimes almost daily. You are beautiful and brave and strong. Thanks for sharing, Mama.
ReplyDeleteHi there! I'm a new reader, doing some catch up on a few recent posts :) I'm not a mother so I can't imagine what you're feeling here but the fact that you don't give up says a lot to a non-momma outsider looking in. I've heard it said before that half the battle is showing up so if you show up and give it your all...even if that doesn't feel like much, you're kiddos are feeling it and they love ya for it. I do know that! I was a kid at one point after all ;) Love to you!
ReplyDeletexx
JLynn
P.S- LOVE the feeding pic. Such a beautiful thing!
Love this :) So beautiful.
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