This week I have spent most of my time getting ready for Riggs to turn one on Saturday. Typing that is so strange, I can't even believe my little baby is going to be one! It is almost magical to me how fast time has passed this last year, and while I am excited to watch him grow and learn, part of my heart is broken knowing that his first year of life is over. I will never hold my baby Riggs again, mewling and warm against my breast like I did when he was new. I will never get to see that first smile again, or hear that first giggle, or watch him crawl for the first time on his knees. Of course I have the memories of those events, yet as dear as they are to me I know in my heart that they will fade over time. I wonder, is a little piece of my heart going to break each year as he grows older? And I know that it will.
The speed at which this year has passed reminds me to savor every moment, every hour, every day, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it may seem at the moment. There have been nights when I just did not want to get out of bed as I heard those cries coming from his room, and yet once I was holding him close and listening to him nurse, I was so happy to be right where I was, just soaking it up, truly being present in and content with the season of my life.
As I gathered things here and there this week to make his first birthday more special, like his birthday ring, beeswax candles, and wool felt for his birthday crown, that bittersweet feeling has been ever present at the back of my mind. I'm very sure that Saturday will be quite a day for me to get through, filled with love, light, pride, joy, and also a feeling of loss. Yet I am somewhat surprised and delighted to discover that in the place of that precious infant is a bright-eyed toddler with a truly happy spirit and such profound determination. Over the years I'm sure I will catch glimpses, here and there, of that sweet baby that used to be, maybe in the fullness of his cheek, or the corner of his mouth, or in the way his face softens when he sleeps. And I will be so thankful, once again, that God sent this little angel into our lives. We are so blessed.
|trying on his crown to measure how much elastic I would need|
|(I apologize for the poor color/lighting in these last few pictures,|
despite the steady increase in daylight it is still pretty dark here in the afternoons!)