in which we go for a walk and mama gets an attitude adjustment

Do you ever have those days where you shouldn't be grouchy, but you are? You can't quite pinpoint what it is that made you that way, maybe it's many little things finally adding up and you find yourself irritated and grumpy and nothing sounds good and everything annoys you. That's what my friday was like last week. It started out well, and then something happened and I was in such a melancholy mood that even the trees I was driving past were irritating me.

I thought that getting outside would be just the thing I needed to snap me out of it (and Riggs and Tutka would both greatly benefit from some fresh air and exercise), but it was an overcast, slushy day and I just didn't want to deal with dog, boy and mud and the mess that would inevitably result from a walk in the current conditions.

Just at the last minute, when I either needed to turn home or head to the trails, I made my decision. I would try going on a walk. I passed the old glenn turnoff and took the next exit, thinking that the loop around Reflection Lake would be just perfect. I pulled up to the trailhead, and the front spot was open. Maybe my day was changing for the better!

I let Tutka out of the truck, and then went back to get Riggs in his overalls, jacket and boots. Once all his warm clothes were on I dug around on the floor for his boots. Just as I was realizing they weren't there, I remembered. They were in the Jetta, which we had driven to hike the Butte on Sunday. I always leave them in the truck, so I had just assumed they'd be there today. Oops.

I sighed heavily as Riggs kept repeating, "boots? booooooots?" over and over again. Tutka was already happily bounding around in the mud outside and I knew there was no way I could force him back in the truck without at least a little bit of walking. Strapping Riggs on in the ergo was out of question for two reasons. 1...it dug in uncomfortably to my stomach if I wore him on my back (as he prefers) and 2...it wasn't even in the truck like it usually was. It too had been left in the Jetta after our family hike Sunday. I picked my brain for ideas and just then saw two target bags Steve had stashed under the seat to collect trash in.

I pulled them out, dug in the center console for some electrical tape, and told Riggs he was getting a special kind of boots today. Then I proceeded to  t a p e  t r a s h  b a g s  on my toddlers feet. When I was finished I couldn't hold the laughter back. He looked at his feet skeptically for a moment or two.

When I let him down he cautiously tested them out in the snow. I knew we wouldn't be able to be out long without his feet getting wet and cold, so we set off. I was praying that we wouldn't see another person so I would have to deal with the mortification of someone seeing my child with bags taped on his feet in the place of proper footwear.

After he got used to them they didn't slow him down a bit, except on the icy patches. And I laughed nearly the entire time thinking about how ridiculous it all was. Luckily no one reported me to child protective services and we all three were greatly refreshed by the little jaunt around the lake.

'you must live in the present.

launch yourself on every wave.

find your eternity in each moment.'

HENRY DAVID THOREAU

five friday favorites

It's already Friday again and we couldn't be happier! It's been kind of a nasty week around here as far as weather goes, and we've been so busy that the week just flew by. Riggs and I are both happy to have a day at home to just hang out. We've had a relaxing morning so far, both of us slept in until 8am, then some yummy yogurt with strawberries for breakfast, and now stickers for Riggs and blogging for me while we listen to this station on Pandora. Perfect :)

Here are five things I'm in love with this week:

ONE | this gorgeous little corner. I love all the white, especially that gorgeous distressed cabinet. And the homemade quilts inside are just beckoning to me! Also, that chandelier? I want this corner to magically show up in my room ;)

TWO | these sweet treats, just in time for St. Patricks Day. This photo makes me want to go out right this minute to buy a huge box of lucky charms. Right?!

THREE | this soothing succulent arrangement. now I just need to find a container like this! I have two little succulent patches in my house and they are my favorites. Riggs loves them too!

FOUR | this mama/baby set from Baby Jules Boutique. No baby, no problem. She has lots of cute turban/headbands just for women - I'm ordering a big batch soon. I need something for those days where I really don't feel like doing much with my hair.

FIVE | this fabulous giveaway from Sweet Little Peanut blog. Go enter now! So many good things for new baby...

25 weeks

How far along: 25 weeks

Baby Size: Rutabaga (13.5 in, 1.5 lbs). At my appointment today I (fundal height) was measuring at 29cm and should have been at 25. This same exact thing happened at my 25 week appointment with Riggs, and they sent me to get an ultrasound to measure his size. He measured normal, my uterus had just grown faster than 'normal', so this time they're less worried about it. Especially since in the end I never measured bigger than 36 cm/weeks even when I had him two weeks past my due date. Long story short, if I'm measuring even further ahead at my next appointment in 3 weeks I'll get an ultrasound just to be on the safe side. 

Weight gain: 18ish pounds and feeling it. I can tell some of that weight is in my thighs, hips and arms, wah. I'm already looking forward to being able to work out and get back into the shape I was when I got pregnant. I've been staying active, but I find that it's really easy to overdo it, so I stick to weight lifting and walking or swimming. I've been having a lot more braxton hicks this time around from a very early point in my pregnancy so I'd rather be on the safe side and avoid early labor. 

Maternity clothes: Yes. Finally made it into town to shop for myself, and snagged a pair of maternity jeans from Gap for 40% off, a pair of used Old Navy jeans for $5, and two pairs of maternity crop leggings for $4 each (from consignment store). All of them are full panel except for the Old Navy jeans, which I prefer. I'm always pulling the other ones up, but they fit well and I couldn't pass them up for the price. I'm on the lookout for more tops, preferably tunics, but I didn't like anything that Gap or Old Navy had, and I still haven't made the trip to Motherhood Maternity yet (our only other maternity store).

Old Navy jeans I snagged for $5 from Kid to Kid

Stretch marks: Nope. I didn't get any with Riggs, but I'll be curious to see if any pop up this time around. I moisterize my belly when I remember, but I find that staying hydrated makes my skin feel best.

  Sleep: I can't complain, still sleeping pretty well. I have been having a hard time falling asleep, but once I do fall asleep I've been sleeping like a rock!   Gender: Still a girl as far as I know haha. I might have to get another ultrasound in a few weeks and I'm anxious for another chance to see our girl. For some reason I have this fear that I'm going to show up to the birth center with all these pink clothes and a pink carseat and it's going to be another boy. I don't know why I have this 'fear', since the ultrasound tech basically confirmed 100% that she was a girl.

Movement: Lots of movements still, especially in the evenings as I'm trying to go to sleep. 

Food cravings: Lots of fruit and sweets. Trying to be sure to get plenty of fruit and vegetables, and for a sweet snack I've been adding mini chocolate chips to plain yogurt (with a little maple syrup), usually in the evenings after Riggs is in bed.   Anything making you queasy or sick: No.   What I miss: Feeling more like myself physically, and being able to work out really hard and long as many days a week as I want without worrying about baby or my belly getting in the way. Also this is the time when I usually register for running races for the summer and I've been feeling pretty sad about missing out on a few upcoming events that friends are doing, like the Gold Nugget Triathlon and the Twilight 12k (pictures from last year, here).    Symptoms: Just the usual. Feeling pretty good actually.

Nursery: Check out my idea board on Pinterest here. 

Purchased a crib for baby girl off craigslist that I LOVE. It's the Ikea Leksvik crib (which they don't sell anymore) and I love it way more than the crib I have for Riggs. I really like the simple design of Riggs' crib but I have no idea why I got cherry finish, I hate cherry wood. Also I feel like this Leksvik crib is much more feminine and so when Riggs is ready for big boy bead (read: when mamas ready) we'll probably sell his crib, get him a new bed, and keep the new ikea crib. The two cribs fit in his room well and I'm relieved that I'll definitely be able to put her in her crib from day one like we did with Riggs.

As far as paint etc, I'm going back and forth between whether I should even paint at all. Steve thinks I should leave it since we plan on moving within the next 5 years to a bigger house. I just don't love how the yellower-than-I-thought-it-would-be paint looks with the wood finishes, and was wanting to paint the trim white at least. But with this new crib, I actually think it could work without painting it. 

We are going to get rid of the big bookcase from his room and Steve is going to build ledges for his books instead, with his little couch on the floor in front of that wall. We are also selling the rocking chair (which my parents were nice enough to give us when they changed furniture in their living room) and purchasing an upholstered, easy-chair type glider. For Riggs' big boy bed, Steve is planning on building a little bunk bed, like this. I think we'll start with those things and see if we still want to paint...thoughts?

If we do paint I want to go with a light green-blue, like this (opal essence by Benjamin Moore):

Belly Button in or out? Getting more shallow by the day but still in. I never got an outie with Riggs so I doubt I will this time.

Wedding rings on or off? On. I didn't have any swelling with Riggs so I don't expect to this time (hopefully!). 

Mood: Happy and excited for spring!

Workouts: Walking, swimming, light weights and the Cardio Recovery workout from the Insanity dvds. Also chasing a 2 year old haha.

Best moment this week: Setting up baby girls crib with Riggs and seeing how excited he is for his baby sister! And at my appointment today he was so very excited to listen to "baba's -artbeat", and the midwife was very impressed that he could even say that and that he recognized that's what she was going to do when I sat up on the exam table. I can't wait to see him as a big brother!

  Looking forward to: A fun weekend together as a family after Steve's first week back at work (which has been relatively easy on me but pretty sad for Riggs). 

reflections on weaning

*this post contains breastfeeding photos. if you're not comfortable viewing them, then this post probably isn't for you.

I'm so in love with this boy right now. This big boy who is so sweet and full of smiles and hugs and kisses. Things are pretty easy right now, like we've really gotten into a good groove and I'm so thankful for it.

At night, Riggs sleeps from about 7:15 to 7:30 in the morning. He's been sleeping through the night for about two months now and it's wonderful. It also couldn't come at a better time for this tired mama. Pajamas, teeth brushing, picking out bedtime books and then it's time to read them while we rock together. When the books have been read, I turn the lamp off and we get ready to pray together.

"Who do you want to pray for?" I ask him.

"Pray Lyla." He says instantly. "Pray daddy. Pray mama." My heart melts.

He snuggles into my chest while I pray, and then repeats after my "amen". He also says, "night-night God" which almost gives me chills with it's sweetness. Finally, he gives me a hug and a kiss, and then is snuggled right into bed between his owl and his bunny.

"Night-night bunny. Night-night owl. Night-night Riggs." I say as I leave the room. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Night-night mama," he whispers as I close the door. I always leave his room with a smile now.

When he has woken, maybe two or three times, he's needed a quick hug and kiss, and then he snuggles right back down and goes to sleep. 

You may have noticed that I didn't mention nursing in my timeline of pre-bed events. February 16 was the last night he nursed before bed (or anytime at all). I had no idea that it would be the last time, but the next evening as I was putting him to bed, I just couldn't nurse him. It had been a long day, and the thought of the sharp pain I knew would come when he latched lazily on for just a couple minutes of comfort nursing was just too much. After we prayed, he turned to get into 'nursing position'. 

"Milk?" he asked softly.

I don't remember exactly what I told him. I tried to keep as much emotion out of my voice as I explained that he had drank up all the milk and that mama needed a break to get ready to make milk for his baby sister. I do remember that after listening patiently, he asked again in a pleading voice, just that single word, "Milk?". I shook my head and told him it was night-night time.

He seemed to consider for a moment, then turned in my lap towards his bed and said, "bye milk. Night-night milk." I held my breath as I tucked him and his animals into bed, walked out of his room and closed the door. But there were no tears; he went right to sleep as usual. The next night, he said, "no milk?" a slight question in his voice. I said, "no milk. It's for baby sister now." And he went to bed.

Now a month later, he still says, "no milk," after praying, but as a statement rather than a question. It makes me realize how deeply ingrained routines are in children's minds.

At first, it was as if I couldn't really acknowledge that he had actually weaned. I was relieved that it was going so well for him, and I wasn't at the mental 'place' to think about it any more than that. 

Then about four days ago, he was sitting on the couch, reading quietly to himself, looking and acting so much like an independent little boy, rather than a baby or even a toddler. I watched him for a moment, filled with pure love, and then it hit me. I realized I would  n e v e r  nurse him again, that a chapter had been closed in our relationship that will never be reopened. He had taken the first big step away from me, from needing me, needing me to both comfort and nourish him and to foster his rapid growth.

He was thriving. Sitting there on the couch, he was at that moment the master of his own universe, and I wasn't in it. It hurt and I cried, silent tears rolling down my cheeks as I watched him and felt a distance from him that I had never felt before. 

I realize that he will still need me in many other ways throughout the (hopefully) many years of his life, in his childhood and well into adulthood. Yet there is just something so personal and magical about breastfeeding, that binds mother and baby together in a unparalleled way. The realization that I would never have that again was devastating, even though I knew it was the natural progression of things, that it was inevitable.

I took about ten or fifteen minutes to mourn, and then I felt myself begin to heal and move on. To be thankful that I had the opportunity to not only be a mother, but to nurse with ease just past his second birthday. To be joyful that he was growing and thriving physically and emotionally and that I would be (Lord willing) blessed enough to watch him on his journey.

*I want to take a moment to mention that I in no way mean to belittle mothers who don't nurse their babies, either directly or indirectly, through this post. I wrote this from a very deep place in my soul and it is based simply on my experiences and feelings as a mama. Please know that I respect all mothers who care for and nourish their babies, no matter how they go about doing it. xoxo

weekending - Butte edition

Sunday was another beautiful day so we decided to climb the Butte for the first time this year. We packed up after lunch/nap and headed out the door, making our way just down the street to the south side parking lot.

We weren't sure what the trail conditions would be in the shady portion of the trail, but we figured we'd just take it easy and go as far as we could. Riggs was really excited to hike the "-utte" and was grinning from ear to ear as I put his mittens, coat and boots on in the parking lot.

He wasn't so thrilled to be stuffed into the Ergo, haha. The first portion of the trail was slick and is very steep, so we (Steve lol) had to carry him. He stopped crying as soon as we got going, but anytime Steve would stop (usually to wait for me) he would say "Up, daddy. Walk!" in a very impatient voice. It was pretty funny, he was very determined to go 'up' as fast as possible.

The views were as beautiful as usual, although in a more snowy way. It was a bit snowier than when we went in April last year, but not by much. 

Steve leisurely hiked up in front of me, taking sips of tea along the way. He was so sweet stopping to wait/check up on me as I slowly hiked up behind him. He was getting a kick out of watching me I think, he kept laughing and saying I was hiking like a 'pregnant lady'. hello?! I am! haha

Once we were past the steepest part of the trail (about half way up) Steve let Riggs down to walk by himself. He was quite the little hiker! I had to work hard to keep up with him and he was not very patient about stopping to rest or take pictures, but I still managed to take plenty. I couldn't stop, it was so funny to watch him make his way up the trail. Neither the steep incline or the slick mud was going to stop him!

Steve and I both love it up there so much. I think one day this summer I'm going to get a babysitter for a few hours, hike up the Butte with a blanket, snacks, and a good book to spend a few hours just sitting quietly.

Riggs loved looking out to look for our house. I don't think he could actually pick it out, but he kept pointing and saying "home".

Riggs hiked all the way up to the top, only needing help in a few of the steep, slick spots that were shaded from the sun. We were so proud of our little hiker! And I am now looking forward to not having to carry him every time we go go on hikes now! He was really having a blast.

If you live in Alaska and haven't hiked up the Butte, you really need to! Maybe wait until summer if you're not into mud and slick snowy spots, but be sure to get out and do it! It is just too beautiful to miss.